a foward moving act, a conscious thought

21 December
i pull enjoyment from the tiny scratches and peculiar drawings my mind litters onto paper. cleaning my room after a long period of messiness is good, because i pick up reciepts and tiny notes once stuffed into pockets and remember. each tiny face or letter or stray mark i had recklessly abandoned at some point calls up the day i did it. the feeling of sun coming through the big window, and how it felt like summer in that winter room for a few hours. i like being reminded of myself, because too frequently i begin to lose a tight grasp and i let things fall through the cracks in my fingers. i found a tiny letter i had written to my hometown when i had wanted to be there last month. and i remembered why i loved it. and i thought maybe this summer could be different than the plan i imagine now. a return to my youth and possibly just what i need to save me. here is what i remember most: that i am strong, endowed with a unique vernacular and beautiful in all my flaws and thoughts of flight. that i will never be anyone other than me, and my fear of losing myself is really a fear of other people losing me. i remember most that i am

(oh and) still young, alive, and free.

20's, 21 grams, 80's, a-kon, abstact expressionism, aesop rock, amor:adio, anatomical drawings, ani difranco, animal collective, anticon, antonio's, any home videos, architecture, art, art fags, bad education, bag of bones, belle and sebastian, ben folds, ben gibbard, ben kweller, bjork, black heart procession, black house, blind melon, bluegrass, bob dylan, boston, brazilian girls, breakfast at tiffany's, bubba hotep, central park, citizen cope, clubs, comedy, cruel intentions, crush 44, dane cook, dating, dazed and confused, dead poet's society, death cab for cutie, dirty pretty things, disco bloodbath, dj irene, dj keoke, donnie darko, driving long distances, films, fiona apple, frank sinatra, frank the red jetta, frou frou, garden state, ghosts of mississippi, girls with green eyes, great winter coats, gwen stefani, homoerotic novellas, hot hot heat, howl, indie rock, interpol, jack johnson, julie bisbano, kanye west, keane, kenna, korean nail technicians, ladytron, lawn furniture, leaves, less than zero, liyana, losing myself, lost men, love, men, missy elliot, museums, my brother, my first mister, my friends, my own private idaho, napoleon dynamite, new york, on the road, outkast, party monster, pavement, pearl jam, pedro the lion, pink floyd, placebo, polish wedding, radiohead, retta, risd, sage francis, saved!, self-portraiture, sigur ros, simon and garfunkel, spring, string cheese incident, surrealist sculpture, tears for fears, the books, the bravery, the decemberists, the doors, the faint, the fog, the fuck up, the gin blossoms, the grapes of wrath, the great gatsby, the killers, the pixies, the postal service, the rules of attraction, the smiths, the torn skirt, the vaqueros, the weakerthans, the wizard of oz, waking life, wet hot american summer, white aviator glasses, white leather, white teeth, wyeth, xiu xiu,  city of god,  the microphones